*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Gemma Correll
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”