[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.