10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.