squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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Midwest trash talk
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.