When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
who will stop them
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.