Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I think this cat is broken
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.