There are no pants in heaven.
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already