Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.