People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder