5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.