Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂