The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
You Might Also Like
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
🚲+physics = winner
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.