My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
first you must answer his riddles
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.