My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.