If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.