cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb