I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre