[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?