All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You Might Also Like
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
…żyje?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.