Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Great game to play with friends