Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.