[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.