@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You Might Also Like
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Not all heroes wear capes.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.