Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲