“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
where the womens at?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.