1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda