Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
ugh not again
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not