“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me irl
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.