Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.