The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You Might Also Like
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.