STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
We avoided this particular disaster