Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.