DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.