My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.