An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
step 6: release the wall snake
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.