I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
You Might Also Like
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.