*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.