Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.