Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.