If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
classic mixup
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]