you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.