No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.