If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
is this meant to deter me
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.