God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.