It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT