Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔