Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.