Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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This could be us… but you playing
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.