Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
You Might Also Like
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Cucumbers Anonymous
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Buck naked
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“No way.” -Jose
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.