I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.